Purposeful Determination

Telling my adult friends and acquaintances that I was an unwed teen mother ranks right up there with ...

With ...

Well, with nothing.

Honestly, I cannot think of much else in my life thus far that has made me feel more uncomfortable.  Indeed, verbal disclosure of my wayward teen years has been my biggest personal obstacle to overcome.

Isn't that something?

It seems at times that the toughest part of my story has been the panic associated with the horror of having to repeat my story - one more painful time after another.

Not unlike many folks, when there's the possibility that I might have to endure pain, whether physical or emotional, I avoid it.

So, that's what I routinely did over the course of the past thirty-five years.  I avoided my own emotional pain by dodging situations wherein I might be forced to share my story with others.

I believed that sharing my story would only initiate having to answer tough questions, which would bring about even more unwanted pain.

And then of course, there was the very real possibility that sharing my story would have that domino effect, e.g. having others share my story with even more folks, likely leading to even more questions, and thus even more pain.

More curious people.

More tough questions.

More emotional pain.

I'm not crazy about curious people, because I'm not fond of tough questions.  And, I'm even less fond of emotional pain, at least not when it pertains to my personal life.

One of the most difficult times on the obstacle course that I call my life occurs when someone I'm hanging out with at that particular moment sees an unwed pregnant teenager and utters under her breath, but to me (unaware of my history, of course), and with all the negativity that she can seem to muster, questions such as:

• "What was she thinking?"
• Or, "Where were her parents?"
• Or, "Doesn't she know anything about birth control?"
• Or, "Why didn't she have an abortion?"
• Or, "I hope she puts that baby up for adoption, and gives it to some family that really wants to have a baby, but can't."
• Or, "That girl has ruined the rest of her life."
• Or, "No man is ever going to want to marry her."

The list goes on ...

And yes, I have heard them all, and more.

Comments like those were the driving force causing me to keep my teenage skeletons locked up, and my lips tightly sealed.  Sheltered from opposition and hostility, for good!

Until now.

Now, I'm telling everyone.  What a switch!

I compare the switch to a light switch in my home, except that this particular light switch is not attached to a solid wall.  Rather, this switch is attached to the wall of my heart.

My switch was always kept in the off position with purposeful determination.

I had resolved to keep others in the dark regarding the "Lori chronicles."

And, I felt quite safe in my own personal darkness.  Undeniably, I was unwavering in my resolution to keep my personal history private, and to keep others in the dark.

I had no intention of flipping the switch that would turn my private concerns into public knowledge.

Not only did I refuse to shed light on my very private memoirs with others, but I became lovingly accustomed to the feeling of normalcy by dimming my own memories as well.

Here's the switch:

• What was once dark, is now light.
• What was once unclear, is now clear.
• What was once a mystery, is now exposed.
• What was once black, is now white.
• What was once a closed book, is now open.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought I would finally get to this place.  But, I am here.  And, what a wonderful place it is.  My fear of the unknown was unwarranted.

I carry within myself a renewed spirit, a purpose, and a plan.  My life - even with its imperfections, shortcomings, weaknesses, and past failures - has a purpose.


I'm here to be a voice for the unborn.
And, I'm here to restore hope to their mothers.

There really is a reason I'm here.

(from chapter 8 - Pregnant at 16)


PROVERBS 31: 8 - 'Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves.'

A Simpler Life

Simply put, I long for a simpler life.

But ...

• Not so simple that feeding my passion to solve the world's problems is neglected.
• Not so simple that feeding my passion for alone-time with Jesus is abandoned.
• Not so simple that feeding my passion to assist those in need is untended.
• Not so simple that feeding my passion to spread the Gospel of Christ is tossed aside.
• Not so simple that feeding my passion to be a voice for the unborn is disregarded.
• Not so simple that feeding my passion for writing is postponed; and,
• Not so simple that feeding my passion for family intimacy is overlooked. 

On second thought, maybe its not at all the simpler life that I crave.

Perhaps I simply desire to remain on this self-imposed, not-so-simple 'Lori expedition', but at a pace that's more relaxed and slowed down a bit.

But, wait just a minute ...

'But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not be faint.'  - Isaiah 40: 31

'Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.'  - Galatians 6: 9

Okay ... Never mind.

Gotta run.

Just scratched my whole 'simpler life' plan.

... That didn't last long!

One Moment In Time

Though my memory may be dim on a number of things, I have a hundred-watt recollection of the moment that I found out that in just a few months someone, a very little someone, was going to be depending on me - ME! - for everything.  I was still dependent on my own parents.  How was this going to work?

I remember this one moment in time as if it occurred only yesterday.

My mom had just picked me up from high school.  As she drove what turned out to be the longest ride home ever from school, I noticed that she was suspiciously quiet.  I could tell that she was deep in thought, but I had the distinct feeling that she might share those deep thoughts with me.  She kept looking at me with those distinctively special "mom eyes."  You know - the mother's eyes that are so intensely loving, yet so intensely concerned at the same time.

I sensed that she must have something terribly important to tell me.  It quickly became obvious to me that, at any moment, whatever was on her mind would be verbally passed along to me. 

She had something to say, something to tell me, but she just wasn't quite sure where to begin. 

I thought, "Did somebody die?"

As we were driving down the road, having already turned onto the quaint midwestern street where we lived, my mom (who had taken me some days or weeks earlier to the family doctor for a pregnancy test - because moms really do seem to have a kind of sixth sense, especially about their own offspring) decided to just come out and say what I'm sure had been weighing quite heavily on her mind all day so far. 

Ever so gently, compassionately, and quietly, yet matter-of-factly, she put her precious hand in mine and said, "Lori, you're pregnant."

It was at that moment that my hundred watts of mind juices really started flowing and in fact, went into overload.

My heart sank to my stomach.

Then, my stomach made its way up to my throat.

My once rosy cheeks now lacked any color at all.

My insuppressible tears flooded my cheeks, drenched my clothes, and sprinkled onto my high school books.

I glanced over at my mom again.  Her "mom eyes" were bigger-than-life filled with the compassion that only a mom can have for her child.  In my case, a child having a child - her baby having a baby.

After swallowing the big lump in my throat (it took several attempts), I quietly asked my mom to "just drive around the block."

I wasn't ready to go into the house yet.

I wasn't ready to go on with the rest of the afternoon.

Quite frankly, I wasn't ready for anything.

And, I sure wasn't ready to be a mommy.  Not me.  Not at sixteen!

- excerpt from Chapter Five of my book - PREGNANT at 16 - by Lori Ghiata Bowser (available at online bookstores).

- and, from Chapter Eleven ...

My teen pregnancy and the birth of Danny made me grow up fast. 

Yes, my own personal teen-aging process passed by much more quickly than I had originally anticipated early on in my travels down Adolescent Road.

In fact, I actually passed by rather a great deal of the whole teenage process, rather than muddling through its entirety.

Nevertheless, my teenage pregnancy and Danny's subsequent presence in my life pushed me full force into the world of adulthood and consequently, made me a little more mature.  Although some of my close friends might deny the 'maturity' part due to my present-day occasionally mischievous 'schemes.'

Undoubtedly, these friends are probably thinking, "A little more mature?  Put the emphasis on 'little'."

And if, indeed, that is what they're thinking, its okay, simply because my closest friends know me that well, and know that I'm admittedly a fan of the saying, "Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional."

But in the grand 'scheme' of things, and in the course of my everyday life since I was an unwed, pregnant, sixteen-year-old girl in 1974, I can finally say that I am contentedly satisfied with whom I have become.

More importantly, I am thankful for God's mercy and grace for transforming my seemingly hopeless, teenage situation into - as my high school teacher once said - a 'blessing beyond my dreams.'

My own teenage reckless behaviors resulted in a pregnancy.  But, not once - NOT ONCE! - have I regretted my decision to choose life for Danny.

And, Danny has certainly exceeded my expectations by providing me with 'blessings beyond my dreams.'

Sanctity of Human Life

Officially, Pro-Lifers have declared this week in January 'Sanctity of Human Life Week.'

Its the week that serves as a bitter reminder of two ill-conceived, irresponsible U.S. Supreme Court decisions thirty-eight years ago:  Roe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton.

Thirty-eight years of exploited, damaged women.

Thirty-eight years of heinous deaths of more than 53 million precious children.

Roe v. Wade:  (1973) The Supreme Court said that a fetus is not a person, but merely a 'potential life.'  One without any constitutional rights.  The not-so-supreme Court also set up a framework in which a woman's right to abortion and the State's right to protect 'potential life' shift in the following manner ...  1st trimester:  The State cannot regulate abortion for any reason.  2nd trimester:  the State can regulate abortion to protect the health of the mother.  3rd trimester:  (This is where the 'shift' comes in.)  The State can regulate or prohibit abortion to promote its interest in the 'potential life' of the baby, except where abortion is necessary to preserve the woman's life or health.

Doe v. Bolton:  (1973)  On the very same day as Roe v. Wade, in another case - Doe v. Bolton - the Supreme Court 'modified' Roe v. Wade.  This is when they decided that a woman's right to abortion could not be limited by the State if abortion was sought for reasons of maternal health.  The Court defined 'health' to include 'all factors' - not just physical - but emotional, familial, psychological, and the woman's age.  This 'health exception' expanded the right to abortion for any reason through all three trimesters of pregnancy, even up to and including the baby's due date.

Our Nation ought to be mortified.  Our Nation ought to be ashamed.  And, our Nation ought to make deliberate work of overturning Roe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton - for the sake of the children, for the sake of their mothers, and for Heaven's sake.

God loves His little children.  Its a theme throughout Scripture.

This is why Pro-Lifers marched in Washington, D.C. this past Monday.  This is why we've marched for thirty-eight years.  This is why we're devoted to protecting the lives of the unborn.  This is why we're also devoted to restoring hope to their mothers.  And, this is why 'Sanctity of Human Life Sunday' and 'Sanctity of Human Life Week' have been observed in January every year for the past thirty-eight years on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade and Doe v. Bolton.

Officially, I declare the remainder of my days as my own 'Sanctity of Human Life Years.'

'Speak up for the speechless,
in the cause of all who are appointed to die.'
Proverbs 31:8

Quiet

Quiet.  Not exactly the paramount adjective to describe the likes of me.
Nope.  I'm fairly certain I was born talking.  Or at the very least, born-to-talk.

It wouldn't surprise me one bit to hear my own mother announce that my perpetual chatter commenced on the very day of my birth.  If that were indeed the case, it was likely simply because I felt it my duty to share my very own version of the birthing experience.  You know, just to make certain my mom got the story straight on January 23, 1958.

From as far back as I can personally recollect, my inclination has been to fast-forward my speech to intelligible statements and crystal clear points.  Intelligible and clear at least to me, and yes - lots of 'em.

Intelligible and crystal clear.  Apparently then, politics are out of the question.  That's okay.  I've never been accused of being politically correct anyway.  In all likelihood, I'll not have an episode of burning desire to enter that shady arena.

Speaking politically incorrectly then I suppose, I have a few intelligible statements and crystal clear points to share.

I believe ...

• Our Country should remain 'One Nation Under God.'  God alone.
• There should be no religions.  Only devoted relationships with Jesus Christ.  Though I religiously attend a Baptist church, I have no religion.  Only a Savior.
• Abortion should be illegal.  It is not a woman's right to end the life of her child.  Life, on the other hand, is the child's inalienable right.
• The Ten Commandments are 'commandments'.  They're not suggestions.
• An eye for an eye.  It's Biblical.
• Everyone has inner struggles.  If your own inner struggles cause separation from God's will, pray for God's forgiveness, mercy and grace.  He is faithful and just to cleanse you from all unrighteousness.  I know - been on the unrighteousness side of the fence too many times.
• Islam is not a religion.  Islam is a cult.  There's a difference.  Research it.
• Coexist?  No thanks!  C  = Islam.  I = Wicca.  S = Taoism.  Nope.  Won't be buying that bumper sticker.  The symbols are intended to identify a plurality of religious beliefs.  The word itself is intended to encourage religious tolerance.  (See my second bullet-point ... There should be no religions ... Only devoted relationships with Jesus Christ.)

"One Lord, one faith, one baptism; One God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." - Ephesians 4: 5-6

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves." - Matthew 7: 15

"Thus you shall not show pity:  Life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot." - Deuteronomy 19: 21

"Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God?  Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God." - James 4: 4

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction." - Proverbs 1: 7

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." - Jeremiah 1: 5

"You shall not follow a crowd to do evil." - Exodus 23: 2

"Open your mouth for the speechless, in the cause of all who are appointed to die." - Proverbs 31: 8

"For you formed my inward parts; you covered me in my mother's womb.  I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Marvelous are your works.  And, that my soul knows very well." - Proverbs 139: 13-14

My speech. 

My freedom. 

Praying those are never taken from me.

Not-So-Easy Street

Teenagers don't live on Easy Street.

Most commonly their place of residence is on Confusion Boulevard, with opposing lanes of traffic on either side of the greener grass lining the middle of the road.

And though the greener grass would appear to be just footsteps away, it seems to require walking miles upon miles in teenage shoes in order to reach the lush contentment that the greenery affords.

Confusion reigns within the soul that houses the teenager.

Though some teens might turn on the false air of confidence that seems to radiate dignity and grace while dealing with raging hormones and body changes (desired or undesired), confusion is king in their land.

The teenager's homeland - his or her soul - is quite often overrun with what may appear to some as pandemonium.

At least, it contains all the ingredients necessary in a recipe for emotional upset.

Some teenagers throw all these ingredients into the mix haphazardly, unmethodically, and without measurement; while other teenagers seem more apt to measure precisely (or thereabout), being a little more certain of the resulting table set before them.

Not me!

I was more prone to being pandemonized by my own soul.

Measure the ingredients of my daily ins, outs, and whereabouts?  Are you kidding me?  I didn't have time for that.

I just threw all my ingredients, which often consisted of chaos and mayhem, into the pot and turned my internal stove on the highest setting.

After all, I was a teenager.

I had things to do, places to go, people to see.  My life was waiting for me.  And not very patiently, I might add.  Or at least, I did not want to wait for it.

Measure?

Nope.  Time was a-wastin'.

It's sad now looking back at a large portion of my teenage years.  Time wasn't wasting away at all.  But, I was pretty good at wasting time.

I didn't realize then what I realize now - that time was my friend.  Time was on my side.

Time should have been the main ingredient in the casserole that I call my life.

But, I just couldn't resist the express way of life.  You know, for the same reason that we have drive-through fast food restaurants.  We want our piece of the pie, and we want it now.

I think I might have wanted the whole pie, or at least a taste of the assortment.

If law enforcement officials were authorized to give teenagers tickets for driving in the fast lane of life, I probably would have had enough citations to cause them to revoke my life license.

But, there is no such law.

So, I just kept driving on that twisted highway which would ultimately lead to my teenage pregnancy and teen motherhood.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think maybe my quick trip through adolescence was more like a non-stop flight to adulthood.

It was not round trip.

My ticket took me directly to adulthood and left me there.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Why are teenagers so confused?  Why not?

No, teenagers don't live on Easy Street.

Rather, the winding paths they travel to get to Destination Road can be quite rough and bumpy.

(... taken from Chapter 3:  PREGNANT AT 16 / Lori Ghiata Bowser)

Baby, Its Cold Outside

Brrr.  Its mighty chilly in Asheville's mountains this weekend.

Frrr-eezing.

And, I'm lovin' it.

Matter-of-fact, its the weather my soul cried out for during those dog days of Summer when it seemed I was forever mopping the sweat from my brow ... and, just about every other body part.

In wintry weather at least, I have the option of choosing the degree of warmth my body maintains ...

• sweatshirt ... or, not.
• extra blanket ... or, not.
• crank up the heat ... or, not.
• snuggle with the hubby ... or, not.

... unless I'm hot-flashing.  Unfortunately, there's no option there.

Even if the frigid weather causes ice to form on power lines, increasing the chances of my home's power going out, I have the option of building a cozy fire in the wood stove ... or, not.

Summer's heat doesn't even come close to allowing for comparable option-variety.

I like options!  And, I like to keep them open.

One exception ...

• where I'll spend eternity.

Eternity offers only two options:

1. Heaven
2. Hell

I've chosen option #1.

I'm praying other folks opt to do the same.

I understand the temperature is perfect there.  Unlike option #2.